Behind starburst eyes

Jan 16

Long, short or none, still a woman

by starbursteyes

My womanhood is not dictated by the length of my hair.

So last week I found lice in Mr. N’s hair. I checked my own and found a nit. My solution was simple, I washed everything and I shaved our heads (and Mr. C’s just in case as Mr. N loves to climb into bed with him and lay his head on his brothers and snuggle. A fact that leads me to near tears because of the vast change in his ability to handle physical contact, but I digress)

I thought I was judged a lot when I had pink hair, but WOW it was nothing compared to walking around as a woman with a shaved head. I have had people stare, snort their distain and even ask me if I actually think I’m still pretty without my hair. Here’s what it’s made me realize. We as a society are FAR too critical of everyone, especially strangers! While I logically understand that our judgemental tendency most likely stems from thousands of years of not trusting anything different our “outside of our tribe” as part of our means of survival, it doesn’t stop it from bothering me at times when I am judged by strangers. But then I breathe and try to remember that no one, not a stranger, not a friend, not even a family member has the right to dictate what I do with my body.

Something as temporary and superficial as a hair cut does not change what gender I identify as. I am not “less of a woman” because I only have an 1/4 inch of hair on my head. Just as I was not “more of a woman” when I had long tresses. What makes women; women is their intrinsic belief that they are. What makes me a woman is within me, it’s my spirit, not my hair or clothes.

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

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Jun 14

Dust bunnies versus sticky fingers

by starbursteyes

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” by Jonathan Safran Foer

The above quote was found unexpectedly while I was looking at a sweet story about a dad that was going the extra mile to ensure his son had a wonderful Halloween. There right beside the heartwarming story was that quote, separate from the story.

I read it, and I felt like I had been punched in my solar plexus, it resonated SO deeply within me. I am often bothered by all that I haven’t accomplished, by all that I have not yet done. I try every day, but there’s never enough time, and there’s always something that needs doing that I hadn’t expected. I’m in my 30’s and I feel like all of those 3 decades have passed in a blur. Each year fluttering past in wisps of color and opportunity too fleeting to catch or hold on to. I try to make every day count, but I find that the mundane things often get in the way, like cleaning. It does not seem to matter what I try it always takes me ages to get the house cleaned every single day. No matter how spotless it is one day the next it’s a mess again and again I’m forced to choose between cleaning or adventure. I know I have to be the responsible adult and clean, but I want to just experience each short moment I have with my kids, I want to play with abandon with them, and laugh with joy at their discoveries, I want to go on “treasure hunts” and nature walks, and trips to the library and read under a tree from books about anything and everything to them. I want to be able to be present in the moment with them and not always “in a minute” “after I’m done the dishes we’ll ______” etc. A great deal of the time I do say “piss on it” to the housework and the time that gives me to just experience little hands fluttering across my triceps as I walk for 2 hours with N in the hiker as I walk to get him a donut and back home is priceless. Just sitting here, I can still feel the warm sun on my face, his icing covered fingers lightly touching my triceps as he yells his excitement at an orange jeep that drives past us. I treasure those moments more than I can say, they ARE what make me “me” each of those memories.

So among other things that I have to do cleaning is for sure one of the most time-consuming, so any tips dear readers? Please keep in mind I have a house with 3 adults (my mother is NOT able to help due to her health, and I’m just happy to have her company) 3-5 children, 2 of which are on the spectrum, of those two one that needs constant attention and assistance, and the other one is homeschooled by me and therefore needs time every day for that. As well as one that is not yet walking, but does love crawling everywhere she can.

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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Jun 8

Time in a bottle

by starbursteyes

I’ve always loved the song “Time In A Bottle” By: Jim Croce I used to sing it to C when he was a baby. I never knew he wrote it after his wife told him she was pregnant with their son Adrian in 1970.  It still rings so true to me almost 9 years later, there never is enough time and if I could I would live every moment I’ve had with my kids again. We get so little time (oh how I wish I had a Tardis 😉 and I want to fill every moment with as many memories as possible because time is so increadibly precious.

“Time In A Bottle”
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do, once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty, except for the memory of how
They were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do, once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go through time with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO1rMeYnOmM is a link to hear him singing it.

Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

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Jun 5

Pick me up

by starbursteyes

When I’m in a bad mood I’ve long been of the practice to do something for someone else to help lift my own spirits. Years ago before they had to start refusing such offers I’d bake for homeless shelters and soup kitchens as a way of creating beauty or good energy when I was upset about things I could not control. (They now have to refuse them due to health code regulations, unless you are an actual business that has been okayed by the health department)

Tonight I was not in a great mood. Nothing really wrong per say, just feeling blah and a bit down, a touch of restlessness had settled in and I felt a bit constrained. SO I thought I’d take the boys for a walk, and on our walk we brought sidewalk chalk. We had an amazing time! C and I wrote inspiring messages at random spots, things like “You are special”, “Life can be GREAT” “You are loved exactly as you are” and so on. N “helped” us to write the messages and was fully loving being completely included, so a few of the messages may not be super clear lol but it was a lovely experience for them and for me.

By the time we came home I was in much better spirits, and both boys were in lovely moods. It’s funny the messages were supposed to be for other people, random strangers to see, to take in and to perhaps offer them a spark of positivity. While they just still might, those messages definitely gave the 3 of us writing them a whole slew of positivity too. 😀 

I’d like to think that they did, and that the ones C and I wrote together will do the same for someone seeing them come morning. 😀 Have any of you dear readers seen sidewalk affirmations at one time or another? If so, did they indeed offer you a spark of positivity that day?

Secret Garden

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May 23

Back on track

by starbursteyes

From mid March until the beginning of May I had stopped working out and monitoring my eating habits as I was so wrapped up in appointments and paperwork stemming from N’s official diagnosis of ASD. While I did in fact lose some of my hard earned progress during those weeks I was determined to start again, which I did. I have now lost 5% of my total body fat since I got back on track! The reason this is so vital is because the hospital I want to have my surgery at has a requirement for how much adipose tissue one posesses before they’ll do the surgery. Now I could go elsewhere for my surgery, somewhere closer to my home that does not have any such requirements, however they also have a much higher re-occurance rate of the hernia coming back than my ideal choice of hospital. SO I am determined to continue with my weight loss goals in order to obtain the best chance of only having to have the surgery preformed once.

The place I want to go to is Sholdice Hospital, which specializes just in hernia repairs, and their reputation is amazing. I felt a bit discouraged about my goals recently as it’s hard to start again when you’ve stopped. It’s also honestly hard to find the time and energy when there is so much else going on in one’s life. But find the time and energy I will because having a hernia sucks, and with my recent success I’ve regained my motivation to keep on keeping on. Sometimes I need that extra motivation, for every single workout hurts in so many ways. It’s not because I’m pushing myself too hard, or because I don’t actually know what I’m doing, it hurts because I’m actually in pain every single day, all day and exercise only adds to that. I am lucky to have my massage therapy background as it has helped me to understand a great deal of how to best optimize my workouts for the results I want without adding any additonal injuries to myself. But motivations like seeing the inches come off, or seeing a decrease in my body fat percentage definitely help my mental state about said workouts. I’m off to the Y again today for more weight lifting and cardio, wish me luck dear readers!

P.S for those that have been reading my blog for awhile, I still can’t do a full sit up, as written about in “Would the real slim Starburst please sit up” found here but I’m getting much closer 😉

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

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May 7

The Struggle Makes Our Wings

by starbursteyes

MH900444833I find it fascinating that while we’re more connected and more accessible to each other now than ever before we tend to develop weaker bonds with one another, and we tend to lose touch with people far more often now even though we have the internet, the phone, mail etc. verses when we could only ride a horse or walk to see each other.

It’s almost like it’s the ease with which we can form all sorts of new relationships that prohibits them from growing into lifelong committed relationships that can span anything.

It reminds me of the story of the butterfly’s struggle:

A little girl found a caterpillar one sunny afternoon in her backyard, and it tickled her when she picked it up. She brought it in her house and showed her mother. The mother allowed her to keep it, but the little girl had to take good care of it. So she brought it leaves every day, and made a little house out of cardboard for it.

One day the little girl woke up and she couldn’t find the caterpillar, all she could find was a long white thing that was hanging from the top of her little caterpillar’s house. Her mother explained it was a chrysalis and that the caterpillar had made it, and was now inside of it, just waiting for the right time to come out as a beautiful butterfly.

The little girl waited and waited, and when it had felt like she had been waiting forever she noticed that the butterfly was starting to come out. It looked painful and hard to her so she started to carefully open the chrysalis for the butterfly. She had just started when her mother found her and told her to stop. She did and asked why, that’s when her mother explained that it was the struggle that helped the butterfly to form such beautiful wings, as it emerged and that if she continued to help the butterfly’s wings wouldn’t form right and she’d never be able to fly.

The little girl thought that was very sad and stopped helping immediately and sat watching for hours as the butterfly slowly emerged from its chrysalis. The beautiful butterfly then flew around the room testing out its wings and the girl watched in wonder. The butterfly flew out the window after fluttering on her hand, tickling her with its wings just as it used to with its fuzzy coat. While the little girl was sad at first, she wasn’t for long, for every afternoon the butterfly would come back and flutter around the little girl while she played in the backyard.

Human nature makes me think of the girl and the butterfly, it appears as if we all want better, quicker, faster, new and improved, instead of substance, instead of real worth.

It makes me wonder, is easier really better? Or are our “shortcuts to happiness” really making us walk the wrong path towards  loneliness instead of the path we want of true committed relationships (with family, friend or lover).

Secret Garden

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Mar 20

How Behavioral Therapy Changed Me

by starbursteyes

Almost 9 years ago I gave birth to my first child. He has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS. One of the KEY things that are advocated for children on the spectrum is behavioral therapy as soon as possible, as frequently as possible. For several reasons that are not important to this post I chose to research as much as possible about behavioral therapy and to provide this to my son directly. For who would know him better than I? Who would recognize the small signs that he was mimicking faster than me? So I started…

Many people who meet him now tell me that they wouldn’t have recognized that he was on the spectrum right away or without really “looking” for it. Several people that have known him all along tell me how incredible the change in him is over the years.

I devoted every single waking moment from the time he was 2.5yrs old until he was 6yrs old to him and all that he needed to learn to function in our society. I broke down every situation we came across and explained every person’s part in it. I explained what wasn’t said out loud but was inferred, how to tell when something was inferred, how to infer himself. As well as the crucial lesson of how to NOT infer something he didn’t mean.
From the time he was 6yrs old until now I have had to share the time I devote to him with his younger brother and then with his younger sister as well as his 2 step-sisters. But still I make his behavioral therapy a vital, integral part of every single day. I will take the time to explain everything I possibly can to him, because I HAVE to. If I don’t, he won’t “get it” and you know what I’ll be blunt, I think I’m doing a damn fine job. I’m proud of the son I’m raising. I’m going to say that again because it bears saying twice it’s that important: I’m proud of the son I’m raising!

I made sure I was breaking down every single little social construct for him to examine, digest, process, and assimilate into concrete information he can later use in different social settings to obtain the results he wants from them. Now he might simply want to make a friend, or eventually walk into the tumultuous waters of romantic relationships and while I know he’ll have trials, heck we ALL do! He’ll do okay, no scratch that, he’ll thrive! Why? Because of every moment I put into making sure he was given every single advantage I could give him, and every scrap of helpful information I could think of to ensure his success in all he chooses to do in life.

Now the unexpected part of his behavioral therapy…IT RADICALLY CHANGED ME!

By having to break down every social construct to it’s basest nature/reasoning I had to understand those same social constructs and as I started to explain them I’d think to myself how ridiculous some of them seemed. And eventually I’d hear similar thoughts from my son about some of them. And at first I’d try to justify why this or that was the way it was when I could see it was ridiculous just as he could. But as time went on, we came up with a short hand almost by accident, after I’d explained something one of us would look the other in the eye and say “I know, but it is” and that said so much to both of us. It reaffirmed for him that it wasn’t just him that didn’t “get” why such a social construct or rule was in place in our society in general or in that type of situation specifically.

But it also was a wake up call for me. It made me question SO many social rules, and slowly without actively realizing it, I started to discard the ones that didn’t make sense to me. I stopped adhering to them, I started to become a lion amongst sheep if you will 😉

In part it was because I gave my son that very same freedom. There were oh so many times he would tell me he understood that what he wanted to do wasn’t considered socially acceptable. That he understood he might be made fun of but that he had to be true to his own self. Why did he say that? Why did he choose to go to the mall in May dressed up in his transformers costume, or have me paint his nails crimson red because he thought it was a great color? Because I promised him, I’d hold his hand in support no matter what his choices. I told him I couldn’t be prouder of the young man he’s becoming if I’d chosen every single aspect of him myself ahead of time. I told him that I love him unconditionally, and that means NO MATTER WHAT, FOREVER. I told him to be proud of the Lion he is, to not worry what sheep think. I told him that REAL friends will care for him EXACTLY as he is.

I’m the type of woman that feels if you’re gonna talk the talk, than put on your grown-up underwear and walk the walk!

So I did, and now I do. Does that make me uncomfortable for some people to be around, YEP! Does the fact that less people like me with how blunt I am now sadden me, honestly hell yeah. I’m still sensitive to criticism, but I’ve learnt that it’s better to be criticized for who I am than liked for who I’m not.

A cousin of mine recently told me that I’m “transparent” because I don’t “do” all the fake niceties. If I’m nice, it’s genuine, and if I’m screaming that I can’t stand you, well then that’s real too (I know I need to work on my temper, but that’s another post 😉

On the plus side, it means that I don’t EVER offer flattery. I do however frequently give sincere compliments. Because it’s NICE to hear the positive. I simply make sure what I say is the truth as I see it. So if I say to someone that their smile lights up a room, I mean it! If I tell someone that I treasure their friendship, than you guessed it I really do!

Am I aware that I’m talked about behind my back in ways that at times make me cry, yep that’s why they make me cry. But I refuse to let someone else dictate who I am to be and how I’m to live my life.

The ONLY person that has to live with all of my choices is me, so I need to be at peace with them. Even if I’m the only person that is, than that is what it is.

It’s ironic, because I’m more blunt, and harsher in my personality than I used to be I am liked less than I used to be. YET, with all that I’ve struggled with, and all the times I’ve fallen asleep physically sore from the gut wrenching sobs I’ve cried when the days were really bad for my son I’m now ALLOT more sensitive and caring than I used to be. People that I call a friend matter to me, deeply. Even when their “new” friends, because I stopped a long time ago trying to make friends just to “have lots of them”.

Instead I open up to those souls whose energies resonate with me, who make me feel like I’d be honored to have them in my life. I TRY to make friends with those people that I can see would be a true blessing to my life.

So my dear readers beware, life isn’t easy being true to your own self at all times and if you too try to embark upon either helping your own child with behavioral therapy or *gasp* becoming a behavioral therapist take heed to my warning, it WILL change you! 😉

You WILL have less time for BS. You will say what you mean, and mean what you say. You’ll “see the other side of the coin” about most situations, even when it’s to your disadvantage to do so. You’ll notice when it really was your fault, and you’ll feel the need to own up to it. You’ll feel, truly feel a connection with people that you call your friends or family. How you treat them, even, no especially when they don’t realize it; will matter to you. In essence, you’ll want to be able to look a child in the face and without embarrassment or shame explain your actions when they ask why you did or said _______.

Autism; second verse same as the first Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

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Mar 18

As I am…

by starbursteyes

I am far from perfect, but each day I try my best to be a better person than I was the day before. Never do I try to be better than another, for I’ll never know the full extent of what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Just as no one knows what it is like fully to walk in my shoes.
I’ve made many mistakes, and I own every single one of them (happily or not is beside the point) I’ve done some amazing things, seen some incredible sights, been a part of crazy shenanigans, made beyond beautiful memories with many, felt deeply, laughed loudly, loved passionately, hated fiercely, chased dreams with wild abandon, made friends, made enemies, even made 3 babies 😉
I am stronger than I appear, and more sensitive than most would think.

But through it all, I am me, accept me as I AM not as YOU WANT me to be.

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

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