Behind starburst eyes

Aug 8

Value and Worth Aren’t The Same

by starbursteyes

I’ve noticed that many people seem to be attracted to or pulled towards those that see their value. Western society seems to equate someone noticing all we could do for them with importance and therefore we crave our value being recognized by others.

What I’ve also noticed is that we seem to view our value to others as being the same as our worth. Only, I don’t see it that way. For me, my value is what I can do for another, my worth is what I bring to the table as a whole. One is about what I can do for them, the other is simply about me as a person.

For example, when Mr.N was a year old my value to him high as he needed allot of things because he was only a baby, but my worth was low because I was not viewed as an individual so much as I was the provider of food, comfort, clean diapers and security. However, now at almost 10, he can feed himself, cook basic meals, wash and dress himself and so on and so my value is lower but my worth is higher because he sees more of who I am as a person. This is a natural progression for children of course.

However, I think for many adults we still get stuck looking and evaluating people based on their value instead of their worth. Basically, we get stuck focusing on what specific dishes they bring to our table that we can consume instead of the worth they bring to our table with their presence.

While I’m sure part of this is due to a primitive survival mechanism that makes us seek out those that can help us have a better life (or thrive), I wonder if it’s something we need to consider as no longer inherently necessary.

How much better would it be if we attempted to develop relationships (platonic as well as romantic) with those who’s worth we saw instead? Would we be happier overall if we stopped focusing on what others can actively do for us and intentionally developed relationships based on the worth we saw within others instead?

I ponder these things because secretly adults that primarily view my value feel like a burden to be honest, I feel like the only reason they ask me to their table is for what I can provide that they will use/consume. I want to be invited because they see my worth as a whole person, not for what I can do for them, and I don’t view my value to another and my worth as a person to be the same thing.

Secret Garden

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Mar 26

Why I don’t often write about my sons anymore…

by starbursteyes

When I first started this blog, I would write quite frequently about my children. I thought that by giving others a glimpse into the world of Autistic children, and the parenting of, that it would help. That it could show the world what our lives were like; both the positive as well as the struggles.

There is a difference though between when a parent of a neurotypical child writes about parenting, and a parent of a special needs child writes about parenting. I didn’t realize that when I first started writing. I didn’t realize that far too often the media utilizes those same struggles to suggest that a parent of an Autistic child should be pitied. Mostly I didn’t realize it, because I don’t pity myself.

I see myself as having been gifted 3 beautiful souls to guide towards their fullest potential. I see myself as a kind of tour guide. I’m only here to help till they themselves feel less like tourists and more like locals. The thing is, I thought that was what all parents have to do.

I have never been a mother to a neurotypical child, so maybe it’s totally different? But from what I have heard, it’s still hard as hell to be a mom; regardless of a child’s neurobiology.

So why is it that having a rough moment or day or even a totally rotten week is viewed so differently when the child is classified as special needs? It’s different because we view having a child with a different neurobiology as something bad, as something to grieve and be depressed about. Only I’ve never felt that way about my kids.

So when I write, I have to consider what kind of impression am I adding to society of the reality of having an Autistic child. I don’t want to add to the gross misconception that they are less for having a different neurology; because, they aren’t. The society that equates how much money a person can contribute to corporations (through working at, or purchasing from) as a human being’s only worth is what should be pitied, and seen as less than; not my beautiful children.   

 

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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May 7

The Struggle Makes Our Wings

by starbursteyes

MH900444833I find it fascinating that while we’re more connected and more accessible to each other now than ever before we tend to develop weaker bonds with one another, and we tend to lose touch with people far more often now even though we have the internet, the phone, mail etc. verses when we could only ride a horse or walk to see each other.

It’s almost like it’s the ease with which we can form all sorts of new relationships that prohibits them from growing into lifelong committed relationships that can span anything.

It reminds me of the story of the butterfly’s struggle:

A little girl found a caterpillar one sunny afternoon in her backyard, and it tickled her when she picked it up. She brought it in her house and showed her mother. The mother allowed her to keep it, but the little girl had to take good care of it. So she brought it leaves every day, and made a little house out of cardboard for it.

One day the little girl woke up and she couldn’t find the caterpillar, all she could find was a long white thing that was hanging from the top of her little caterpillar’s house. Her mother explained it was a chrysalis and that the caterpillar had made it, and was now inside of it, just waiting for the right time to come out as a beautiful butterfly.

The little girl waited and waited, and when it had felt like she had been waiting forever she noticed that the butterfly was starting to come out. It looked painful and hard to her so she started to carefully open the chrysalis for the butterfly. She had just started when her mother found her and told her to stop. She did and asked why, that’s when her mother explained that it was the struggle that helped the butterfly to form such beautiful wings, as it emerged and that if she continued to help the butterfly’s wings wouldn’t form right and she’d never be able to fly.

The little girl thought that was very sad and stopped helping immediately and sat watching for hours as the butterfly slowly emerged from its chrysalis. The beautiful butterfly then flew around the room testing out its wings and the girl watched in wonder. The butterfly flew out the window after fluttering on her hand, tickling her with its wings just as it used to with its fuzzy coat. While the little girl was sad at first, she wasn’t for long, for every afternoon the butterfly would come back and flutter around the little girl while she played in the backyard.

Human nature makes me think of the girl and the butterfly, it appears as if we all want better, quicker, faster, new and improved, instead of substance, instead of real worth.

It makes me wonder, is easier really better? Or are our “shortcuts to happiness” really making us walk the wrong path towards  loneliness instead of the path we want of true committed relationships (with family, friend or lover).

Secret Garden

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