Behind starburst eyes

Mar 18

And so a hero is born…

by starbursteyes

At the YMCA today Mr. C went to his homeschool group while Mr. N and Miss. G played in the gym. After it was over I stayed in the gym with them while my mom went to the program area to get Mr. C. He came into the gym and both siblings rushed to hug him as if he’d been gone for years instead of the hour it had been. Miss. G was trying her best to throw the basketball into the net. It didn’t really work, in fact it didn’t work even a little for her, she’d hold the ball above her head and try with all her might to throw it high, but it’d only go an inch or two above her head and then come bouncing down. Mr. C watched her and cheered her attempts on for a couple of minutes, but then he walked towards her and scooped her up. I watched Miss. G’s face light up with glee as Mr. C carried her on top of his shoulders towards the net so she could try and get the ball in the basketball net. Written upon her face was the sure and deep truth that he was her hero as clearly as if she’d said the words aloud, and my heart sang from being blessed to see this moment between them.

We hadn’t gone to Monday’s homeschool group in awhile, see it ends at 2:30 p.m, which is exactly when Joy would be picked up from the Y’s daycare. While my heart lurched and tears sprung to my eyes as the hands showed it was indeed that time, I’m glad I went. I would have missed out on the giggles as Miss. G raced across the gym to get the ball over and over, I would have missed out on Mr. N’s proud exclamations of “look at me, look what I doing!” as he tried to balance on his stomach on a basketball. I would have missed watching Mr. C and Miss. G bonding, and I would have missed the moment he stopped being just her brother and became her hero too.

 

Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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Jun 14

Dust bunnies versus sticky fingers

by starbursteyes

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” by Jonathan Safran Foer

The above quote was found unexpectedly while I was looking at a sweet story about a dad that was going the extra mile to ensure his son had a wonderful Halloween. There right beside the heartwarming story was that quote, separate from the story.

I read it, and I felt like I had been punched in my solar plexus, it resonated SO deeply within me. I am often bothered by all that I haven’t accomplished, by all that I have not yet done. I try every day, but there’s never enough time, and there’s always something that needs doing that I hadn’t expected. I’m in my 30’s and I feel like all of those 3 decades have passed in a blur. Each year fluttering past in wisps of color and opportunity too fleeting to catch or hold on to. I try to make every day count, but I find that the mundane things often get in the way, like cleaning. It does not seem to matter what I try it always takes me ages to get the house cleaned every single day. No matter how spotless it is one day the next it’s a mess again and again I’m forced to choose between cleaning or adventure. I know I have to be the responsible adult and clean, but I want to just experience each short moment I have with my kids, I want to play with abandon with them, and laugh with joy at their discoveries, I want to go on “treasure hunts” and nature walks, and trips to the library and read under a tree from books about anything and everything to them. I want to be able to be present in the moment with them and not always “in a minute” “after I’m done the dishes we’ll ______” etc. A great deal of the time I do say “piss on it” to the housework and the time that gives me to just experience little hands fluttering across my triceps as I walk for 2 hours with N in the hiker as I walk to get him a donut and back home is priceless. Just sitting here, I can still feel the warm sun on my face, his icing covered fingers lightly touching my triceps as he yells his excitement at an orange jeep that drives past us. I treasure those moments more than I can say, they ARE what make me “me” each of those memories.

So among other things that I have to do cleaning is for sure one of the most time-consuming, so any tips dear readers? Please keep in mind I have a house with 3 adults (my mother is NOT able to help due to her health, and I’m just happy to have her company) 3-5 children, 2 of which are on the spectrum, of those two one that needs constant attention and assistance, and the other one is homeschooled by me and therefore needs time every day for that. As well as one that is not yet walking, but does love crawling everywhere she can.

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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Jun 13

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a kid on a leash!

by starbursteyes

imagesCA0TBJHUWell tonight I finished modifying N’s little blue backpack into a harness style backpack complete with a “tether strap” as it’s called when one is selling it apparently. (I looked online but figured why pay that much money for one when I’ve got everything here to convert a regular toddler sized backpack instead) In reality it’s a leash and it’s attached to my child via the backpack. I have fought doing this for a while, and each time we went out I would faithfully ensure I had the stroller and he was buckled in. Once in a while I’d walk holding his hand, but with his aversion to touch so often holding hands is NOT something he’s in to doing, and letting him just roam and hoping I can catch him when he darts out onto the street in less time than it takes for a car to hit him is NOT something I’m cool with. In fact it terrifies me, and while I KNOW I’ll get the inevitable backlash for “treating my child like an animal” (trust me I had this reaction with C, and I hated it. I hated that no one could see I JUST wanted to keep him safe.) And I know I’m going to upset people with doing it with N.

Here’s the thing though, I can’t NOT do it. Well I’m sure I can in fact, but my heart is pounding from the moment we walk down our front steps. I’m sweaty and nervous as I carefully grip his wrist/forearm (he won’t hold hands at all) I’m watching every direction, frantically looking all around us and trying to watch him at the same time. All the while I’m still holding onto him for dear life. I try to get to our destination as quickly as I possibly can get him to go, and frequently ask him if he wants me to carry him. Why because he doesn’t understand danger, and that makes me terrified. He runs towards moving cars because he’s so fascinated with cars in general. And trying to just say “No” or “Stop” does NOT work with him. especially since he’s often overloaded auditory wise and covers his ears, but doesn’t ever stop moving.

Now, tonight we went on a little walk with his new modified backpack. I held his forearm while he was walking down the stairs and then I let him just walk. He got to choose where we went because I was just enjoying watching him finally have the opportunity to discover his neighbourhood at his own pace. We stood at one point and watched a cricket and I told him about how the cricket makes music. He loves his backpack, and insisted we put cheese in it for our walk 🙂 He’s not upset by it, even when he tried to dart towards the street and it stopped him (he didn’t fall or anything, he just couldn’t go any further than a few feet from me) he just looked back at me and then pointed at the cars speeding past and smiled saying “brooms!” which is of course his word for cars. So yes I loved the peacefulness with which we were able to just “be” together, in each other’s space, experiencing an evening walk together, marveling at all the things that I would have forced him to miss in my haste to get him somewhere safe prior to his new backpack.

Alright dear readers, I’ve taken a deep breath, let me have it.

Autism; second verse same as the first Creations

4 Comments »
Jun 10

A blue hiker, red hat, and yellow pants

by starbursteyes

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Well today C played most of the day at his friend M’s house, so it was mostly just N and G with me. I decided that I needed to get N a new sun hat as he’s fair and burns easily and already the one I bought a few months ago is too small. In keeping with trying to exercise regularly I decided that I’d not only walk with the two of them but that I’d put G in the single stroller and N in the blue hiker that I haven’t used since right before I found out I was pregnant with G. N was a great deal lighter then! A two-hour walk with 30+ pounds on one’s back when you’re not used to it is definitely a work out lol.

 

 

 

 

After visiting a couple of stores we finally found a hat N liked, a plain red fisherman style one that I promised him I’d put a truck on. Of course while at the store N pointed out every single thing that was “lello” because everything yellow is somehow exciting. Not denying that yellow is a fantastic color, just not sure where his recent love of yellow has come from. For the last few days when I get him dressed in the morning he keeps saying “lello pansh” (yellow pants)

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Once home I sewed on a patch that had a big 18-wheeler on it onto his red hat and he seems happy with it, which is great! Then I decided I’d go through my bins of fabric, convinced that I had some yellow cotton somewhere. Indeed I did, and so I proceeded to make him some yellow pants. He was thrilled when I told him I was making him yellow pants. He watched me cut the fabric, he insisted on sitting on my lap the entire time I sewed his yellow pants. Pleased with myself at making him something he so clearly wanted I presented him with the finished product. Only to watch him have a meltdown because apparently the pants I made are NOT what he imagined when he kept asking for yellow pants. Now I’ve made dozens of pants for C, myself and many others so I know it wasn’t that I didn’t make them correctly in general. So I now have a pair of yellow pants that he refuses to wear, but hey in another year or so they should fit G lol.  

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Autism; second verse same as the first

2 Comments »
May 17

Organizing Foods

by starbursteyes

MH900430659 N gets very excited by how foods are presented in bakeries, delicatessens, and the like.   He’s happy to try many different foods from these places, but when presented with these same foods at home he is unwilling to eat them. I was speaking with a friend who asked me an absolutely brilliant question about it. She asked me if I thought it was because of how visual he is and how neat and organized the foods are in those types of places that he preferred them. She asked me if I’d put his food into lines on his plate before and if so what did he do. To be honest I hadn’t done it before. I’ve made pictures with his food (happy faces or cutting roasted potatoes in the shape of cars) but I hadn’t actually taken his foods and made lines on his plate with them. With how much he loves organization, and lines in general I am actually quite hopeful that this just might work to help him eat better/more. Considering he’s currently on supplementations of various vitamins as well as a meal replacement drink due to his lack of current food intake I’m totally excited at trying something that just might make a positive difference in the amount of healthy foods I am able to get him to eat and enjoy! Wish me luck dear readers, this momma’s about to get the mandolin out to make some super organized veggie and fruit lines 😀

Autism; second verse same as the first Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

2 Comments »
May 3

Happy Cake

by starbursteyes

Yesterday N said one of his clear words while we were driving “cake” so I asked him if he wanted cake. He smiled and told me yes, so I told him I’d make cake at home for him. So once we got home he goes into the cutlery drawer, finds the package of candles I keep there for birthday cakes. He opens it up, and tries to hand me some while saying “Happy cake”

It was adorable to me in general that he was saying he wanted to have another birthday cake, but also it showed so clearly that not only does he notice what is going on around him, he understands and remembers. It’s moments like that not only thrill me, but they also humble me. They are a potent reminder to me that our children are watching what we’re doing, always. Our actions and words have meaning and importance because they are shaping our children’s experiences, memories and ultimately who they will become.

Autism; second verse same as the first Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

1 Comment »
Mar 2

G’s first dress and bonnet

by starbursteyes

G's first dress and bonnet

Right before G came home from the NICU I found a pattern online to make her a dress and bonnet. I altered it to fit her petit size, and the best part (to me) was that instead of buying fabric to make it, I used one of my maternity dresses 😀
It was suprisingly simple to make, espically with the sleeves being two long ties instead of a traditional sleeve. She out grew it rather quickly, but I’ve got it tucked away in her keepsake box for her 🙂

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

3 Comments »
Mar 1

Would the real slim Starburst please sit up

by starbursteyes

As some of you might know from “Kick up your heels” I’ve been going to Pilates lately to try and rebuild the muscles they had to cut for my emergency C-section with G. Well one of the moves is to lay on your back with your knees bent, feet flat on the floor and using only your “core” or abdominal muscles pull yourself into a sitting position.

Now enter me, with my oh so soft cuddly belly and miniscule abdominal muscles and you get entertainment; because I cannot do it. At all, not even half-way, trust me I tried, and tried and it ain’t happening. I huffed and puffed and squeezed my itty bitty muscles as hard as I could and I got the grand result of getting my shoulders off the mat. Not quite the accomplishment I’d been hoping for. Of course I had the fantastic Tatiana for a teacher tonight (I mean that sincerely, she really is a great teacher) and so she sees that I’m struggling (as always with that one) and comes over. Quietly she whispers encouragment to me that I will get there, but that I have to respect my body and what it’s telling me it can do just yet. My logical brain agrees with her completely, I’m an intelligent person, I’ve studied anatomy, I have a decent understanding of human physiology.

But my heart, oh my illogical, irrational heart it just wants to scream at my inability to just sit up. I mean think about it, I just want to be able to sit up, really is that such a big thing I wish for my body to do? NOPE. But without a great deal more work on my part it’s not going to happen. So after one petulant “But I want to be at that level now” I kicked the pity party outta my head and asked for “homework”. Moves I could do at home in addition to attending her classes to help get me closer to my goal of being strong and fit. Fear not faithful readers, if I can’t manage to sit up on my own I’ll just use the couch to pull myself up again so I can continue to write. 😉

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Secret Garden

1 Comment »
Mar 1

G’s Snail

by starbursteyes

G's Snail

I made this for my daughter, and while you can’t see clearly from the picture, the card attached says:

Should you ever feel sad or blue,
about what you can or cannot yet do…
Look at me and know that your pace is the perfect pace for you to go.

She’s a preemie, and sometimes she’s a bit slower to hit the milestones than a full-term baby would be. But I don’t ever want her to feel like she’s going at the wrong pace because of how fast some sheet of paper says she should be developing, instead I truly want her to know she’s doing exactly as she should at the exact right timing for her. 😀

Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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