Behind starburst eyes

May 7

Some things you just can’t Google

by starbursteyes

There are times when I get caught up in ensuring that Mr.C is “on-track” or “at grade level” with his peers. I get fixated from time to time on the lists lit up upon my computer screen of all the things our local school board says he should know at this time. Lists of facts and figures, books they have chosen, grammatical rules and scientific theories. But no where in their reams of pages does it speak of morals, attitude, creative thinking, leadership skills, ingenuity or honour.

When I get caught up on what he does or does not know academically, I remind myself of the following:

I am not here to create a robot that can spout facts or scientific theories verbatim, but lacks the ingenuity to put them to productive use when he needs or even wants to do so.

I am not here to force him to memorize plots and dialogues, but lacks the critical thinking skills to grasp the significance of some of the literary works of art we currently have access to as a society in general.

I am not here to ensure he conforms to someone else’s standards, but lacks the honour and strength of character to stand up for what is right when what is wrong is being accepted as the status quo.

What I AM here to do is to teach him to (eventually) be a good man. To be the type of person others will be proud to call their friend, their ally. To be someone with enough courage to stand up for what is right, even when he’s forced to stand alone to do so. To be a man of honour, of integrity, to be a man of  ingenious leadership abilities, even when he’s only leading himself along his own path.

Don’t get me wrong, I DO teach him academics, but if it takes him a bit longer than some piece of paper says to learn about the periodic table of elements or the correct placements of commas I’m okay with that. Why, because he’s learning SO much more right now, he’s learning how to become the man he will be for the rest of his life.

Plus if he forgets the standard conversion rate of ATP to ADP he can Google it, but when it comes to things like strength of character well there are some things you just can’t Google 😉

Autism; second verse same as the first Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

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Apr 6

#HAWMC Day 5: Superpower day

by starbursteyes

#HAWMC Day 5: “Superpower Day. It’s a bird, it’s a plane it’s….you! If you had a superpower – what would it be? How would you use it?”

assistance,business,businesswomen,capes,metaphors,people,rescues,superheroes,conceptsI’ve been thinking of this one all day, picking a superpower and discarding it as I think of all the problems it would cause instead of help. It’s gone like this:

“I know! I’d be telepathic!” But then I’d think of how difficult it is at times to have people say outright what they think is poor parenting when one of my boys is having a meltdown, never mind hearing them just think it. And so I decide, no that won’t do.

“I know! I’d be able to alter someone’s molecular structure with a simple touch!” But then I think of how I wouldn’t change my boys because I see the gift they are to me and to the world itself. And so I decide, no that won’t do.

“I know! I’d be able to teleport!” But with my sense of direction I’d just teleport to the wrong places all the time. And so I decide, no that won’t do.

“I know! I’d control the weather!” But then I think of all the times I’ve been in awe of a rainbow suddenly appearing, or laughed at walking through a random rain storm with the kids, but if I could control it, I’d miss the randomness that made those moments what they were. And so I decide, no that won’t do.

“I know! I’d have a siren’s voice!” Then I could sing songs that soothed instantly when either boy was having a meltdown. But then I think of how I won’t always be right beside them as they travel along their paths and giving them the tools to calm themselves are more important for them than just taking the upset away from them for them. And so I decide, no that won’t do.

Finally, I decide that if I could have any superpower it’d be be time travel. So I could go back to the me of a decade ago offer these words upon paper to be read all the times when it seemed that the world was against me and against my parenting, and against my beautiful boys.

Dear New Momma Me: There will be times when you want to cave and listen to what others say is the right way to parent, not because you agree, but because you are not battle hardened yet, and all you want is a life of love and acceptance for yourself and your child/ren. But you mustn’t! It will be hard to go against the grain and parent based on intuition, based upon the bond you have with your child, but it’s what’s right; for them and you. The times you will bitterly regret are the times you didn’t fight, the times you chose to cave to other’s opinions of what is best for your child. They are a part of you before they are a part of the rest of the world, and the bond they share with you is like no other bond that can ever be made or felt between two souls. Listen to your heart, for it beat for the both of you at one time, to tell you what is right and best for your child.

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

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Mar 18

And so a hero is born…

by starbursteyes

At the YMCA today Mr. C went to his homeschool group while Mr. N and Miss. G played in the gym. After it was over I stayed in the gym with them while my mom went to the program area to get Mr. C. He came into the gym and both siblings rushed to hug him as if he’d been gone for years instead of the hour it had been. Miss. G was trying her best to throw the basketball into the net. It didn’t really work, in fact it didn’t work even a little for her, she’d hold the ball above her head and try with all her might to throw it high, but it’d only go an inch or two above her head and then come bouncing down. Mr. C watched her and cheered her attempts on for a couple of minutes, but then he walked towards her and scooped her up. I watched Miss. G’s face light up with glee as Mr. C carried her on top of his shoulders towards the net so she could try and get the ball in the basketball net. Written upon her face was the sure and deep truth that he was her hero as clearly as if she’d said the words aloud, and my heart sang from being blessed to see this moment between them.

We hadn’t gone to Monday’s homeschool group in awhile, see it ends at 2:30 p.m, which is exactly when Joy would be picked up from the Y’s daycare. While my heart lurched and tears sprung to my eyes as the hands showed it was indeed that time, I’m glad I went. I would have missed out on the giggles as Miss. G raced across the gym to get the ball over and over, I would have missed out on Mr. N’s proud exclamations of “look at me, look what I doing!” as he tried to balance on his stomach on a basketball. I would have missed watching Mr. C and Miss. G bonding, and I would have missed the moment he stopped being just her brother and became her hero too.

 

Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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Jul 19

Lemonade Stand at Baton Rouge

by starbursteyes

Shortly after the story appeared in the Toronto Sun about the kid’s lemonade stand, Baton Rouge got ahold of me. Today the husband, kids and I went for a lovely lunch at the Whitby location and talked with the GTA Manager as well as the Whitby location’s manager. Both were amazing men, and the offer they gave us was heartwarming. They wanted to set up a date that our kids could come in there and sell lemonade to their customers with the money being raised going to Sick Kids Hospital. Head office has told them that whatever amount is raised that night they will match! To help encourage customers to buy lemonade instead of other drinks, every customer that buys one will recieve a coupon for a free appitizer at their next visit.
All of this is extremely generous and we said “YES!”
I asked Ryan (the GTA manager) why he was offering such gracious help to ensure that for our kids the whole thing is remembered in a positive light, his answer touched home for me. He said that his 6 year old son asked him why it had happened the way that it did for my kids when they were just being good and he couldn’t answer him. He said it’s the first time he hasn’t been able to give his son an answer, and I get that. In such a huge way that resonates with me! With C having Autism it means that he does not always understand social aspects without help, and the first time he asked me why about someone’s actions and I couldn’t answer him hurt greatly. For him specifically it was why another child refused to play with him when he was trying to reach out and be friendly at the park, but the heart of the matter, when trying to be nice or do something good and someone objects or refuses your offer is a hard thing to explain to your child when their still innocent eyes are searching yours for the truth behind the platitudes we often utter to apease our children’s sensibilities without exposing them to the harsher reality that sometimes life isn’t fair, and sometimes people are just mean.
I appreciate that he wants to be able to look his child in the eye and tell him that “Dad helped to fix it” I appreciate the fact that I am able to look my own son in the eyes and tell him that with some help “Momma has fixed it, he can still try and help a hospital that saved his cousin’s lives” in the way that his still fairly innocent mind had originally come up with.
I get to watch him walk around for a couple of hours with a server and inquire if each customer would like a lemonade. This makes me happy, extremely, giddy in fact!
See I too often think of chains or corporations as just being about the money, about the bottom dollar, but the revenue they will lose from other drinks not being ordered, the cost of the lemonade itself, the coupons for free appitizers, and the matching donation from head office is significant to me. It shows me that Ryan and Steve and by extension Baton Rouge in general actually care, they are not paying lip service they are doing something positive to not just raise money for Sick Kids Hospital, BUT they want to help restore the faith that their and my kids have in the world at large as a place where good deeds are appreciated and people help one another because it’s the right thing to do.

SO ladies and gents, PLEASE if you’re in the area (Whitby, Ontario) on August 13th from 5pm-8pm come on out to Baton Rouge and order a lemonade with your meal!

Autism; second verse same as the first

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Jun 5

Pick me up

by starbursteyes

When I’m in a bad mood I’ve long been of the practice to do something for someone else to help lift my own spirits. Years ago before they had to start refusing such offers I’d bake for homeless shelters and soup kitchens as a way of creating beauty or good energy when I was upset about things I could not control. (They now have to refuse them due to health code regulations, unless you are an actual business that has been okayed by the health department)

Tonight I was not in a great mood. Nothing really wrong per say, just feeling blah and a bit down, a touch of restlessness had settled in and I felt a bit constrained. SO I thought I’d take the boys for a walk, and on our walk we brought sidewalk chalk. We had an amazing time! C and I wrote inspiring messages at random spots, things like “You are special”, “Life can be GREAT” “You are loved exactly as you are” and so on. N “helped” us to write the messages and was fully loving being completely included, so a few of the messages may not be super clear lol but it was a lovely experience for them and for me.

By the time we came home I was in much better spirits, and both boys were in lovely moods. It’s funny the messages were supposed to be for other people, random strangers to see, to take in and to perhaps offer them a spark of positivity. While they just still might, those messages definitely gave the 3 of us writing them a whole slew of positivity too. 😀 

I’d like to think that they did, and that the ones C and I wrote together will do the same for someone seeing them come morning. 😀 Have any of you dear readers seen sidewalk affirmations at one time or another? If so, did they indeed offer you a spark of positivity that day?

Secret Garden

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May 8

Autism is NOT a death sentence

by starbursteyes

Just over a month ago C and I made cookies for his home school group at the YMCA to help promote Autism Acceptance. With how positive of a reaction we received from them I asked one of the people who helps to coordinate the Orientation for Parents of Children Recently Diagnosed with Autism at Grandview Children’s Center if they would be interested in having some at their next orientation. She spoke with the her colleagues and they said yes. So today I went and got more business cards for the packages I’ll be dropping off Saturday morning. I’m happy that they said yes to them as I feel they do have a positive message to them. So often I hear of parents being absolutely desolate about their child’s diagnosis, and I think our perception as a society needs to change about that.

Last year on C’s 8th birthday his father and I were not with him. The night before, I called everyone that was supposed to come and told them that we had to post-pone his birthday party. Why? He’d done NOTHING wrong. We had to cancel his party and leave him with his Nana because we had a funeral to attend. A close friend’s 23 month old daughter had passed away. Now that was something to be absolutely desolate about. Her’s is a place that will forever be empty at their table, the memories of that beautiful precious little girl are what her parents get to hold instead of her. That is a truly devastating loss. One that those two parents must bear.

But to perceive a diagnosis of Autism as the same level of tragedy as the loss those parents deal with every single day is in my mind an insult to both the little girl who will never have a second birthday, as well as to the child diagnosed! It is NOT a tragedy that one’s child has been diagnosed with Autism, it is not something they will die from. Will there be some areas of their lives that are more challenging because of how their neuro-pathways work? Yes. But that’s what parents are for, to help their children to thrive to the best of the child’s abilities. Now I understand that some people would argue that a child classified as “Classic Autism” or as “Low-Functioning” does not have the same level of abilities to function as a child that is classified as “High-Functioning” I’m not arguing levels of abilities, but I am arguing that Autism is not a death sentence and should not be approached as one.  Yes there will be times that are hard for both parent and child. There will be times when as a parent you might not be sure how best to help your child. There will be times when they are judged negatively by others, when your parenting choices will be called into question by others, but all of those statements are true for parenting of any child!!!

To mourn the loss of the child you thought you had, the one that won’t _______ because they have Autism is unfair to your child. They are still the same child as they were prior to a diagnosis. They still have feelings, thoughts, dreams, wishes, fears, hopes just like any other child. Will they need different kinds of help or parenting than you originally thought you’d have to provide when you learnt you were going to become a parent, perhaps yes. But our job as parents is NOT to dictate what they need, but to observe them and their ways of communication to understand what each unique child needs us to provide them with and help them with.

These children can and do go on to lead lives that are happy and fulfilling for them, perhaps it’s not your definition of happiness and that’s okay because it’s not your life, it’s theirs. As long as your child is alive, and happy what on earth do you have to mourn???

Autism; second verse same as the first

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May 7

The Struggle Makes Our Wings

by starbursteyes

MH900444833I find it fascinating that while we’re more connected and more accessible to each other now than ever before we tend to develop weaker bonds with one another, and we tend to lose touch with people far more often now even though we have the internet, the phone, mail etc. verses when we could only ride a horse or walk to see each other.

It’s almost like it’s the ease with which we can form all sorts of new relationships that prohibits them from growing into lifelong committed relationships that can span anything.

It reminds me of the story of the butterfly’s struggle:

A little girl found a caterpillar one sunny afternoon in her backyard, and it tickled her when she picked it up. She brought it in her house and showed her mother. The mother allowed her to keep it, but the little girl had to take good care of it. So she brought it leaves every day, and made a little house out of cardboard for it.

One day the little girl woke up and she couldn’t find the caterpillar, all she could find was a long white thing that was hanging from the top of her little caterpillar’s house. Her mother explained it was a chrysalis and that the caterpillar had made it, and was now inside of it, just waiting for the right time to come out as a beautiful butterfly.

The little girl waited and waited, and when it had felt like she had been waiting forever she noticed that the butterfly was starting to come out. It looked painful and hard to her so she started to carefully open the chrysalis for the butterfly. She had just started when her mother found her and told her to stop. She did and asked why, that’s when her mother explained that it was the struggle that helped the butterfly to form such beautiful wings, as it emerged and that if she continued to help the butterfly’s wings wouldn’t form right and she’d never be able to fly.

The little girl thought that was very sad and stopped helping immediately and sat watching for hours as the butterfly slowly emerged from its chrysalis. The beautiful butterfly then flew around the room testing out its wings and the girl watched in wonder. The butterfly flew out the window after fluttering on her hand, tickling her with its wings just as it used to with its fuzzy coat. While the little girl was sad at first, she wasn’t for long, for every afternoon the butterfly would come back and flutter around the little girl while she played in the backyard.

Human nature makes me think of the girl and the butterfly, it appears as if we all want better, quicker, faster, new and improved, instead of substance, instead of real worth.

It makes me wonder, is easier really better? Or are our “shortcuts to happiness” really making us walk the wrong path towards  loneliness instead of the path we want of true committed relationships (with family, friend or lover).

Secret Garden

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May 1

To My Children

by starbursteyes

From the moment I knew each of you was on your way I have spent every moment of my days and nights devoted to you.

I anxiously awaited your arrivals,

I have pondered for countless hours a million different aspects of your upbringing, from the largest facet of child rearing to the most minute of choices,

I have made countless phone calls for counsel on the best way to handle various situations I found myself immersed in due to being your mom, searching for the best solutions for each of you,

and I promise you that I shall continue each and every day to be the best mother I can to each of you…

I’ll go hungry so that you may eat,

I’ll go cold so that you can be warm,

I’ll go without sleep so that you have time to dream,

I will fight for you so that you are safe,

I will stand in the shadows so you learn how to shine,

I will find time when none exists to do whatever needs to be done to see your faces light up with joy,

I’ll endure whatever hardships are necessary so that you always have what you need no matter the cost to me,

At the end of it all, I will let you go with a smile upon my face when it’s your turn to fly; Knowing I did every single thing that I could to help each of you reach your fullest potential as the amazing individuals that you are…

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it Pixie Girl: Eyes full of glitter and sunshine

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Apr 16

It’s not freedom if they can’t chose for themselves

by starbursteyes

I’ve read many things online lately that speak of the acceptance debate about Autism right now. Numerous of those articles say things like “It’s not true acceptance of the person if you try to teach them social skills, because that’s just trying to change them, not accept them the way they are” I disagree with that idea.

 

For me personally, I feel that teaching all the social skills as they are now called to my Autistic sons is akin to teaching spanish to my children who were born speaking english. Why would a parent do that? What could be gained from a child learning a second language? You guessed it, they could communicate effectively to gain what they needed from a vast array of situations with more people than if they only spoke one language. Does teaching them spanish imply that their first language and native tongue will always be less than the second one they were taught? NO it doesn’t. Does teaching them spanish mean that I will not listen to them or converse with them if they speak in english instead? NO it doesn’t. It means that should they decide at any given time that speaking in spanish would be more effective in a specific situation for them to obtain what they want or need that they can. Not that they have too, just that they have the option to express themselves in both languages, and that they can choose either option at their own discretion.

 

I think the difference between what I believe and the persons stating it’s not acceptance if you teach “NT” social skills to your autistic child is that I’m NOT saying they HAVE to use what I’ve taught them, I also plan on teaching them how to bake a cake from scratch, doesn’t mean once they’ve learnt how to do so that from morning till night they have to bake cakes non-stop. It just means if they want too they can, and I’m ALL about them having the freedom to choose, but it’s not freedom to choose if they aren’t allowed to explore all their options and then choose which one/s are best for them specifically. I also won’t teach them that they are wrong or less for their natural state or “native tongue” to continue with my original metaphor, just a simple statement of fact that it might be useful to also know this language in addition to your own.

When I teach a “social skill” I explain in detail what the general perception is, what my perception is, and encourage their own thoughts and feelings to be discussed about it. Such as when my eldest wanted to wear his transformer’s costume to the mall in May. I asked why first and he said because it’s fun to pretend he’s Optimus Prime and he loves how soft the costume is his Aunt and Uncle got him. I told him I agreed it is fun to pretend, and it is a very soft costume. I also told him it was perfectly fine with me. I did explain that some people might think it was strange that he was wearing a costume when it wasn’t close to Halloween and they might say something unkind or mean to him because of it. But that I knew how much fun it was to dress up and that as long as he understood that might happen I was proud to hold his hand in any mall while he wore any outfit he could find. He decided he’d wear it, and when there was a rude comment about it he replied “I’m wearing it so only my thoughts on my costume matter” and off we continued in the mall.

SO I did not force “NT” social skills, nor suggest that I felt he was wrong or bad for his choice. I reinforced my unconditional love and acceptance for him exactly as he is, but also told him the truth of how it might be perceived to allow him the choice of “did other’s perceptions of him matter to him in these circumstances” clearly that moment showed a definitive no, but at other times it might be a yes and that’s okay. Because it’s still allowing his feelings, thoughts and wants to ultimately dictate his actions, which is exactly as I think it should be.

But one of the things that I’ve read and seen in my own sons time and time again is that the inferred portion of any interaction is not always understood or picked up on. So it’s my job as their first teacher to teach them all of the hidden things they don’t automatically pick up on and then let them decide how they wish to proceed. That to me is the true definition of parenting, to help them understand everything and decide what is best for them personally from there.

I parent this way because I started with one goal in mind for all of my parenting choices “to ensure my children’s happiness” Then I simply work backwards from that goal by asking “What will make them happy?” or “Will ______ make them happy?” Sometimes I know, and sometimes I have to either ask them or watch and see. I then base my choices from that, because it’s not about what makes me happy, it’s about them. They are first, as they should be.

For example my youngest son has no interest in other children his own age, while I know that some people feel I should “encourage” read force him to interact with other children to make him more social and therefore more socially acceptable I don’t. I bring him to places with our family because he is an integral part of our family, but if his bliss is to spin the wheels of his toy cars and not play with other children his age that are around him I’m fine with that. Why, because he’s happy. And all I want is his happiness. I truly believe that both of their happiness, heck anyone’s is based on being able to have their wants and needs met on a consistent basis. So yes I’ll continue to speak in english with them, while I also teach them spanish so they can decide which is right for them to be heard clearly and their needs and wants to be met in the manners they wish for them to be.

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

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Apr 16

Bribing them to read with cookies ;-)

by starbursteyes

Last week C and I spoke of how N wasn’t welcomed at C’s first dance competition (that can be found here) C was so angry that his brother wasn’t accepted, and that by extension he too was not accepted for who he is and how his neuropathways work. So I had two choices, I could either validate his emotions or not. Of course I chose to do so because they ARE his emotions. No one should ever tell someone they can’t feel the way they do. Then what could have been the really tricky part came, how to help him deal with it in a positive manner.

We spoke about awareness, and acceptance. We spoke of how the two are not mutually inclusive of each other. We spoke of how when people don’t understand Autism that their perceptions are skewed in a negitive manner towards things like meltdowns.
That not everyone understands the difference between a meltdown that occurs due to the brain dealing with too much sensory information it can’t process (even in “fun” or “enjoyable” situations) and a tantrum that is a “want” based behaviour choice that occurs simply to produce a desired result from someone.

So we did what I often do when I’m bothered, we baked. Then we baked some more, and we continued to talk and bake for most of the evening. In total we made just over 200 cookies. But these were not ordinary cookies, oh no. These cookies were “secret agenda” cookies. Because they were green and purple puzzle peice shaped sugar cookies and were going to be given out with a business card that C and I designed about Autism.  Here is about half of them:

100_3621

On the front of the card it said “Life with Autism can still be sweet!”  and below that the one thing C says is most important to know about being Autistc “My brain works a bit differently, but my heart doesn’t. I still feel everything else that other people do, and I just want to be accepted as me, not as what you think a label makes me”  On the back I added a list of ingredients for the cookies and how to find their way here should they wish to learn more about what Autism means for us specifically.

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We then discussed who/where we were going to give out our plethora of cookies, and C said he’d like to give them out to the kids at his homeschool group, because “Me and N go there, so I want them to understand Autism doesn’t make me or N bad, just a bit different, but different can be good too.”

Well the cookie giving went very well from my point of view. There was one moment that one of the other homeschooling moms came up to me, told me how much she liked what we’d done, and thanked us for informing her and everyone there about Autism. I was floored, it was such a lovely reaction, and I treasure her support of our endevour greatly! The staff at the YMCA where we go for homeschool group were great about it as well, smiling, munching cookies and reading the cards attached. Many of them commenting to C how great it was that he had done this. Ahh yes another reason I adore the YMCA we go too, as if I needed more reasons with how fantastic every person that works there is! (Seriously, I have no idea how they managed to get that many awesome people to work in one building, but I may never move towns just so we can continue to go there specifically for so many of our fitness/social programs!)

C was so happy with how well it went that I have agreed to help him make another 200 cookies to give away to somewhere else. No clue where that is yet, as I’m letting him pick where he feels we should go with them. 🙂

100_3623

Autism; second verse same as the first Lambert: Proud to be a lion amonst sheep ;-) Mommyhood: Fake it till you make it

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