Sometime when I wasn’t looking he became too big for bed time cuddles. I missed noticing the last time his older brother asked for bedtime cuddles, and I swore I wouldn’t miss it with him. Yet, life, my own inability to stay in the present made me forget to pay attention as carefully as I swore I would. I was always thinking of what needs to be done before I go to bed, tomorrow, next week, next month, next, next, next. Never focusing on the now, always on the next. So I missed noticing when the last time he asked for cuddles happened. He slipped out of that stage without a whisper, or a warning.
He still asks for his heart song…most nights. I’ve taken to holding his hand while I sing, a part of me can’t bear to let him go just yet, but I know I must, so I compromise by just holding his hand instead. Normally as soon as I’ve finished his heart song he lets go and repositions himself, his hand firmly tucked beneath his head. Only tonight, tonight he didn’t let go. It was such a small gesture, the gentle extra pressure he used to squeeze so delicately that if I’d not been focused on the present I wouldn’t have noticed…I would have missed his fingers stroking my hand, searching…reaching…connecting with me. So I stayed, my arm outstretched to his big boy loft bed, holding his hand for just a little bit longer. He held my hand tonight not just for his heart song, but until he fell asleep, and my heart overflowed with so much love for my sweet not so little boy. One day he’ll stop asking for his heart song…his brother has, and I’ll stop singing it…but for at least tonight I got to hold on just a little longer…
Behind starburst eyes 