Nearly 15 years ago I wrote about watching my (at the time only) boy walk away from me and towards the adventure of joining other kiddos at a new program at our local community centre. I stood and waited while he was going in incase he looked for the reassurance that I was still there…for the first time he didn’t look back.
He was confident and secure and beginning to spread his little wings. A woman looked at me and asked if he was my first. At the time I responded that he was my only one. She attempted to reassure me by telling me I’d be more “free and easy” once I had another. That I wouldn’t be standing there with my heart in my throat as he walked away when I had other wee ones as well.
He’s now 1 of 5 children that call me mum, and yet the tears still came as I watched him walk away today. I didn’t feel any different than I had 15 years ago; I was still holding my breathe and waiting to wave and smile encouragingly if he looked back…only he didn’t look back this time. He walked with confidence through security towards his solo flight across the country to visit his bestie on the east coast. I’m glad he didn’t look back, for his sake because I was crying and I knew his still gentle heart wouldn’t want to see my tears…for my sake because as hard as it is to watch him walk away I’m so filled with pride at the confidence that filled his stride as he headed towards a new adventure without me.
It’s been months since Covid-19 became a worldwide epidemic, and while I am truly, deeply thankful that my family has not experienced this virus directly, sadly it still has had an impact on my children through their mental health.
He used to be gregarious, he used to be fearless, he used to be happy and confident…Used to be…
It makes my heart ache to see the changes in him, to see how scared he is to even leave the house because as he puts it “It’s invisible, I can’t see it, I can’t fight it” He used to be thrilled to pop over to the store for me, and he’d always ask if he could pick up something for dessert for everyone in addition to the bread or milk I was usually asking for. Now, his first response is “Or I could not go” with a pleading face as he says it. He used to love going for runs, now he says “there’s too many people”. He would rather forgo takeout or new toys if he has to go outside for them.
So instead I don’t ask him to go for me, but I do ask him to go with me. I’m willing to walk with him, because I’m determined to make him go out (while of course allowing precautions such as a mask and hand sanitizer) because he can’t stay locked inside for the next however long. It’s not healthy for him.
I know this might be a long road for him, but I remember when he was 2 and would have uncontrollable meltdowns when we’d walk different routes home from Airzone, he’d cry that it “wasn’t the right way home”. Back then I knew he had to learn there were many ways to get to somewhere, physically and metaphorically. I would hold him and tell him over and over he was loved and safe and I understood and he was my wonderful brave boy as he cried for hours even after we got home.
This is no different, I’ll be there each step of the way offering him love and support as I help him walk this hard path. I love him enough to do the hard things because he always has been and always will be worth the effort to help him thrive.
Every blog posting about buying a used trailer to fix up will tell you that more work is needed than you think.
Naively, I ignored the myriad of warnings 😦 and I ended up finding this:
While I knew from the back that one small section of floor would need to be replaced I had no idea how bad it actually was or the real reason why.
I’d been told the back corner ripped when it was moved as a deck was attached to it and not properly unattached before they moved it, the real truth was much, much worse:
Carpenter ants, hundreds of them living and swarming throughout the entire inside of the walls and floor. The more we removed hoping it was the last “bad” section the more we found 😦 Was it hard on the kids and I to realize we wouldn’t be travelling this summer and that our plan for this trailer was not going to go anything like we’d thought…yep!
But as we took the entire trailer apart, separated each type of material, recycled what we could and brought the rest in multiple loads to the dump, I was able to help them to see that even though we plan, life doesn’t always go according to plan and we have 2 choices: Give up or give it all we’ve got to create a solution.
For this specific case we simply started again but from the ground up lol. Which meant our new first step was cleaning any loose rust from the chassis and then treating it with tremclad.
Now the real building begins! With just over 5 weeks left until I begin University again and the kids start their homeschooling year again the race is on! Do I think the whole thing will be finished in 5 weeks, no I truthfully don’t. BUT we’ll have the floor, walls, and roof done at least and that will give us more time to work on the inside of it on weekends as it gets cooler.
As we build a tiny home now instead of fixing up a trailer we’ll learn lots, work hard, and grow a dream and memories together. Wish us luck! 😀
During a pandemic isn’t the most obvious time to decide one is going to start working on a trailer and planning a trip across the Americas.
While yes a part of the reason is definitely because we couldn’t go on our grand adventure across Europe, another part was the lump I found on my sternum. I needed something to focus on while I waited for results.
While many people equate Autism with a certain amount of social oblivion, where my boys are concerned momma being upset sets off alarm bells real quick! Couple that with this pandemic already having them more anxious and the inability for me to go off from them for awhile while I process and you’ve got the potential for a whole lot of additional stress and meltdowns on their part (totally warranted mind you!)
So instead I focused on the trailer and creating a sanctuary for the kids and I to have. For a place to make memories for years to come as we adventure together, because the alternative wasn’t something I could afford to focus on in such close quarters with them.
With all the additional medical precautions in place for Covid, getting a diagnosis wasn’t as quick as I would like. It took over a week to be able to physically see my doctor, another 2 weeks for the ultrasound, and then a week and a half for inconclusive results. My actual sternum is inflamed and swollen, so I was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for rheumatoid arthritis to see if it helped to decrease the swelling and then an appt with radiology 3 months from now to look at it again. 😦
The idea that I should just sit around and wait 3 more months to see what exactly it is because most medical procedures that aren’t for Covid or for immediately saving one’s life is so disheartening and makes me wonder how many people aren’t getting timely treatment because our government cut funding for hospitals too much for too long and so they can’t handle both right now.
The bright side is that the pain is less with the medication and I think the lump is smaller so fingers crossed it actually is shrinking, and isn’t potentially life-threatening.
Last week I wrote how I had decided to finally follow my dream and chase the sun with my husband and kids.
Well to do that I needed to make a plan. I know I could have just leapt blindly, but as a mom and still a student myself I couldn’t just have us pack a bag and hope for the best!
Logically step one was to research trucks, and insurance:
After researching we choose this awesome truck:
Stay tuned for step 2: researching and purchasing a trailer!!!
When I was about 9 years old my grandfather wanted to go on a month long adventure touring down to Florida and back in an RV, and he invited my mother and us with him. He and my mom made all sorts of plans and my mom spent weeks researching various places to stay, planned routes and so on. Shortly before it was time for the 4 of us to go, he became too ill. He insisted my mother take my brother and I, and she asked a long-time friend of the family to come with us as my dad couldn’t take a month off of work (but did fly down to Florida where we spent a few wonderful days at Disney Land together).
My grandfather never got to go on his grand adventure, and as a child I missed him on our trip, but didn’t understand the way I do now how hard it must have been for him to dream, plan and then at the last moment not be able to finally experience his dream.
There were so many amazing memories for my brother and I during that month, and to this day I cherish the time we spent. Once I had my own child I decided I wanted to take them across the Americas and “chase the sun” for a year. Where we traveled based on the weather and simply went where it was warm for the year, slowly making our way out west to B.C and then down south as far as we desired only to go east and back up north to our home at the end.
Well dear readers as I last posted I am determined to live a life where I actively pursue my dreams. So while I won’t be heading out just yet as Covid-19 is still causing a pandemic (not to mention lots of researching, planning and most likely repairing to do first) I’m going to take this leap and chase the sun with my husband and children. I have read many different travelers blogs so I know such an experience isn’t always perfect, but nothing that is real is perfect. It won’t be perfect, but it WILL be amazing, because it’ll be my family and I actively living out a dream, together.
For such a large endeavour the first step for me is researching and planning. Hence my brand new research journal:
With 7 people in our home we go through at least one loaf a day, but we too are trying to limit trips to a store as many are most likely doing as well during this time; so our family has been making our own bread. This herb and garlic bread gets gobbled up super fast!!!
Ingredients:
7 cups of flour 2 1/4 teaspoon of quick rise yeast 2 1/4 cups of warm water 2 tablespoons of sugar 1 tablespoon of salt 3 tablespoons of olive oil 6 cloves of garlic (finely chopped) 2 tablespoons of Italian Spice blend
Instructions:
1) In a large mixing bowl add warm water, then sprinkle yeast and 1 tablespoon of sugar. Leave until the yeast has become frothy on top (about 10 minutes) 2) While yeast is activating chop 6 cloves of garlic, add to a small bowl with oil and Italian seasoning blend. 3) In a separate bowl mix 6 cups of flour, salt, and 1 tablespoon of sugar. 4) Add oil, garlic and spice blend to water and mix. 5) Add flour to water and mix. 6) Gradually add the last cup of flour until the dough is no longer sticky. (Depending on the humidity you might be closer to 1/2 cup not a whole cup) 7) Knead the dough until soft. 8) Place dough in a greased bowl and let rise for an hour. 9) Punch down, then separate into either fist sized balls on a greased baking sheet or 2 loaf pans and let rise once more. 10) Preheat oven to 350F and bake until golden brown (buns take approximately 20-30min, bread takes approximately 45-60min).
I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as our family does!
We live in Ontario, Canada and our premier has officially declared a state of emergency this morning. This means in addition to primary, secondary and post-secondary schools being shut down for the next 3 weeks, now our daycare centers, restaurants (dine in portion), bars, cinemas, libraries, museums, major venues such as the science centre, and recreation centers are all shut down until at least April.
We homeschool our 3, but my two stepdaughters attend public school at their mother’s insistence. So this changes some things for us, but not all things. Obviously daycare facilities being closed doesn’t effect us. However, everything else being closed does.
One of the ways all of these closures effect us is through fear and anxiety. My youngest son has asthma and has had to be on oxygen and nebulizers in the past, so I am in a heightened state of anxiety. But I’m not the only one, my children feel it too. Not just through me, but also because news of the virus is everywhere and both kiddos understand the potential implications for their brother, and he understands the implications for himself. To that end we have been working a great deal with the concepts of fear, anxiety and powerlessness.
Acknowledgement of Emotions:
We’ve spoken about how scary it can be to feel like you’re powerless in a situation, and how to work with that feeling to acknowledge it but not let it overwhelm us (a thing I am struggling with myself as well).
Then, I attempt to teach them how to work through their scary thoughts. We talk about their feelings, how their real and valid first. But also that even though their valid, we don’t have to be ruled by them. We can focus on the things we HAVE done, the things we ARE doing, and the things we CAN do during this time.
Breathing Techniques:
Once I’ve validated their emotions we do breathing exercises. Five deep breathes in through the nose and out through the mouth. This helps to calm the nervous system down and allow the pre-frontal cortex to come back online (center of logic and reasoning).
Mindfulness Exercises:
Mindfulness exercises such as finding 5 things they can see, touch, and hear can also help to refocus on calming the mind enough to work through any scary thoughts.
Positive Actions:
Finally, we focus on something positive, such as on gratitude, love, giving to others, or constructive actions. We do this because in allot of ways our thoughts are like roads, the more frequently their used, the more deeply they become entrenched and at times like this we NEED the positive perhaps more than ever.
For one child, focusing then on how grateful they are for the healthcare professionals or our ability to have things delivered to lessen our chances of exposure is helpful.
For another it’s expressing love through acts of kindness such as offering to play another siblings favorite board game or reading a book to a younger sibling.
For another it’s writing a card to send to someone they can’t see in person right now, or walks in the conservation area to be in nature.
For me, it’s constructive physical acts that help, for example organizing cupboards and labelling jars with our supplies or sorting the kids clothes for donations (I’ll wait to donate, but I’m happy to pop bags of donations in a closet ready to go once this is all over). Each person is unique, so choosing the positive actions that work best for them should be specific to them.
Behind starburst eyes 