Behind starburst eyes

On Being Articulate

Because the truth of how a person can feel needs to shared…


They say I’m articulate.

(I think about all the words that stay locked in my throat, and I give a small and terrified smile and look over their shoulder and into nothing at all.)

I’m really quite lucky I have such a command of language.

(There are maybe five people in the whole wide world I can talk to face-to-face without wanting to die, without having a panic attack, without needing to hurt myself or sleep for hours afterward. Two of them receive speech therapy. None of them obey the usual laws of dialogue. I know that, really, I’m lucky to have anyone at all.)

My verbal agility is a sign of something, they’re sure.

(When I’m trapped into a conversation in the kitchen of someone else’s home, I stare at the table and see nothing at all, and my throat closes and my ears ring and the world is…

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To the hospital and back again

I spent most of today getting Miss G’s arm looked at, and a cast put on for a supracondylar fracture (basically she broke her elbow) Here’s what I learnt from this:

1) Not ALL children feel pain the same way! She cried for the first 15 minutes after her fall, and then not at all. Even when compression was used to see if it was a break. She was however, very cold (shock) Why is this VITAL? Because it means pain is not always the be all end all marker for how badly someone is injured! (I already knew I didn’t feel pain the same, but didn’t think my Minx would inherit it) SO if your gut says this is not “their version of ok” get them checked out!

2) Many doctors will STILL not listen to a mother about her own child. I didn’t need medical school to know if she’s okay. I may not know it’s a supracondylar fracture, but I know she’s not okay. Besides without the x-ray, the doctor that kept telling me she was fine wouldn’t have known she broke it either! (Again back to point 1)

3) My Minx is a trooper, with complete and utter trust in me. She let them poke, prod, push, x-ray and cast her without fuss so long as she was sitting on my lap with my arms around her. This part made me cry.

4) This has NOT taught Minx to STOP climbing onto things!

SO what on earth happened? She climbed on top of a night table while I was in the kitchen cooking. She fell. I ran. She cried for more than 30 seconds, so I took her to the ER. She was sent home as “fine” She guarded her arm all day, I worried, but there’d been x-rays already looked at. Next morning I receive the call that the radiologist has double checked the x-rays the first doctor looked at and sees extensive damage and a supracondylar fracture, I’m supposed to see her family doctor to follow up. I take her, I get told, take her back to ER with this note, she needs her arm casted. I take her back to the ER. Doctor assess her without looking at her x-rays, says “she has good motion and she’s not in pain” I politely inquire about the x-rays. He goes looks, comes back and says “she needs that casted, there’s extensive damage” Really!? You don’t say! She sits like a trooper and lets them do what they need to do holding my arm that’s wrapped around her belly, snuggling into me as much as she can. She then comes home and tries to climb onto every bloody piece of furniture we own. The best part: Every time someone says “get down you’ll get hurt” or “stop climbing you’ll fall”  she responds with “No silly, I’n okay!”


My holiday musings

I try my best to avoid the commercialization of this season. Partly because we cant afford it! But also because I want the kids to have strong make the eyes mist memories of our time together, of their childhood.

I think back to my own childhood, I was 10 the last time I had both parents alive. I’m still blessed with my mum and there is no amount of words that can express how grateful I am to have her! But still, there are moments when I wonder if my dad could see me, would he be proud? Would he be happy that I fight so hard and fierce for his grandsons or would he dislike the hard edges that fight has given me? Would he show off the magazines that sometimes print my articles of Autism or would he try to ignore the fact that my knowledge comes from both my sons being Autistic? Would he have been too “old-school” to accept them? I’ve seen it before in the workshops I’ve presented at, so I know its not rare.

While I wonder these things from time to time I am determined that my kids never will, no matter how long we have together. I want, I need them to know how proud I am of all three of them. How every single milestone no matter how small to the outside world is something I’m grateful to witness.

My dad’s doctor told him his heart was the strongest part of him, and yet a week later I was a confused and messed up girl dressed in black. So there are no guarantees that I’ll have another 10 Decembers with them to bake sugar cookie bells, or to teach them the true meaning of this time of year. So I tend to cram, and I don’t sleep much, and I forget meals for myself and I try so effing hard to make sure I’ve packed as much love as I can into each holiday, each birthday, and every regular day in between. So I post on here and on facebook about all the different holiday-ish things the wee ones and I are doing each day.

It’s not because I’ve gotten caught up in the commercialization of this time of year. It’s because I never got past being scared it might be the last one I had to show those I love how much they mean to me.

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