Behind starburst eyes

Value and Worth Aren’t The Same

I’ve noticed that many people seem to be attracted to or pulled towards those that see their value. Western society seems to equate someone noticing all we could do for them with importance and therefore we crave our value being recognized by others.

What I’ve also noticed is that we seem to view our value to others as being the same as our worth. Only, I don’t see it that way. For me, my value is what I can do for another, my worth is what I bring to the table as a whole. One is about what I can do for them, the other is simply about me as a person.

For example, when Mr.N was a year old my value to him high as he needed allot of things because he was only a baby, but my worth was low because I was not viewed as an individual so much as I was the provider of food, comfort, clean diapers and security. However, now at almost 10, he can feed himself, cook basic meals, wash and dress himself and so on and so my value is lower but my worth is higher because he sees more of who I am as a person. This is a natural progression for children of course.

However, I think for many adults we still get stuck looking and evaluating people based on their value instead of their worth. Basically, we get stuck focusing on what specific dishes they bring to our table that we can consume instead of the worth they bring to our table with their presence.

While I’m sure part of this is due to a primitive survival mechanism that makes us seek out those that can help us have a better life (or thrive), I wonder if it’s something we need to consider as no longer inherently necessary.

How much better would it be if we attempted to develop relationships (platonic as well as romantic) with those who’s worth we saw instead? Would we be happier overall if we stopped focusing on what others can actively do for us and intentionally developed relationships based on the worth we saw within others instead?

I ponder these things because secretly adults that primarily view my value feel like a burden to be honest, I feel like the only reason they ask me to their table is for what I can provide that they will use/consume. I want to be invited because they see my worth as a whole person, not for what I can do for them, and I don’t view my value to another and my worth as a person to be the same thing.

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Corona’s Effect on Mental Health

It’s been months since Covid-19 became a worldwide epidemic, and while I am truly, deeply thankful that my family has not experienced this virus directly, sadly it still has had an impact on my children through their mental health.

He used to be gregarious, he used to be fearless, he used to be happy and confident…Used to be…

It makes my heart ache to see the changes in him, to see how scared he is to even leave the house because as he puts it “It’s invisible, I can’t see it, I can’t fight it” He used to be thrilled to pop over to the store for me, and he’d always ask if he could pick up something for dessert for everyone in addition to the bread or milk I was usually asking for. Now, his first response is “Or I could not go” with a pleading face as he says it. He used to love going for runs, now he says “there’s too many people”. He would rather forgo takeout or new toys if he has to go outside for them.

So instead I don’t ask him to go for me, but I do ask him to go with me. I’m willing to walk with him, because I’m determined to make him go out (while of course allowing precautions such as a mask and hand sanitizer) because he can’t stay locked inside for the next however long. It’s not healthy for him.

I know this might be a long road for him, but I remember when he was 2 and would have uncontrollable meltdowns when we’d walk different routes home from Airzone, he’d cry that it “wasn’t the right way home”. Back then I knew he had to learn there were many ways to get to somewhere, physically and metaphorically. I would hold him and tell him over and over he was loved and safe and I understood and he was my wonderful brave boy as he cried for hours even after we got home.

This is no different, I’ll be there each step of the way offering him love and support as I help him walk this hard path. I love him enough to do the hard things because he always has been and always will be worth the effort to help him thrive.

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Step 3: Kill it with fire

Every blog posting about buying a used trailer to fix up will tell you that more work is needed than you think.

Naively, I ignored the myriad of warnings 😦 and I ended up finding this:

While I knew from the back that one small section of floor would need to be replaced I had no idea how bad it actually was or the real reason why.

I’d been told the back corner ripped when it was moved as a deck was attached to it and not properly unattached before they moved it, the real truth was much, much worse:

Carpenter ants, hundreds of them living and swarming throughout the entire inside of the walls and floor. The more we removed hoping it was the last “bad” section the more we found 😦 Was it hard on the kids and I to realize we wouldn’t be travelling this summer and that our plan for this trailer was not going to go anything like we’d thought…yep!

But as we took the entire trailer apart, separated each type of material, recycled what we could and brought the rest in multiple loads to the dump, I was able to help them to see that even though we plan, life doesn’t always go according to plan and we have 2 choices: Give up or give it all we’ve got to create a solution.

For this specific case we simply started again but from the ground up lol. Which meant our new first step was cleaning any loose rust from the chassis and then treating it with tremclad.

Now the real building begins! With just over 5 weeks left until I begin University again and the kids start their homeschooling year again the race is on! Do I think the whole thing will be finished in 5 weeks, no I truthfully don’t. BUT we’ll have the floor, walls, and roof done at least and that will give us more time to work on the inside of it on weekends as it gets cooler.

As we build a tiny home now instead of fixing up a trailer we’ll learn lots, work hard, and grow a dream and memories together. Wish us luck! 😀

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There’s Always A Reason

During a pandemic isn’t the most obvious time to decide one is going to start working on a trailer and planning a trip across the Americas.

While yes a part of the reason is definitely because we couldn’t go on our grand adventure across Europe, another part was the lump I found on my sternum. I needed something to focus on while I waited for results.

While many people equate Autism with a certain amount of social oblivion, where my boys are concerned momma being upset sets off alarm bells real quick! Couple that with this pandemic already having them more anxious and the inability for me to go off from them for awhile while I process and you’ve got the potential for a whole lot of additional stress and meltdowns on their part (totally warranted mind you!)

So instead I focused on the trailer and creating a sanctuary for the kids and I to have. For a place to make memories for years to come as we adventure together, because the alternative wasn’t something I could afford to focus on in such close quarters with them.

With all the additional medical precautions in place for Covid, getting a diagnosis wasn’t as quick as I would like. It took over a week to be able to physically see my doctor, another 2 weeks for the ultrasound, and then a week and a half for inconclusive results. My actual sternum is inflamed and swollen, so I was prescribed an anti-inflammatory for rheumatoid arthritis to see if it helped to decrease the swelling and then an appt with radiology 3 months from now to look at it again. 😦

The idea that I should just sit around and wait 3 more months to see what exactly it is because most medical procedures that aren’t for Covid or for immediately saving one’s life is so disheartening and makes me wonder how many people aren’t getting timely treatment because our government cut funding for hospitals too much for too long and so they can’t handle both right now.

The bright side is that the pain is less with the medication and I think the lump is smaller so fingers crossed it actually is shrinking, and isn’t potentially life-threatening.

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Step Two: Travel Trailer

Now that we’ve got a truck with a towing capacity of 11,800 pounds we’ve got the freedom to really look at trailers and find the right one for our family of 7.

While we only have my step-daughters part-time I don’t want there to NOT be enough room for them to come along as well because they’re a part of our family at all times; not just the days they’re physically with us.

So we need something big enough to sleep 7, and since 3 of those are teenagers, we can’t squish multiple kiddos into a single bed! However, we don’t want something SO big that we barely get anywhere before we have to refill the truck’s gas tank!

After looking on Kijiji, AutoTrader, and at various dealerships’ websites we went with a used 29ft Dutchmen via private seller on Kijiji. We checked it out in person while maintaining physical distancing and wearing our masks and arranged for it to be delivered to a friend’s farm where we could continue to maintain physical distancing from everyone while we camp in a tent and work on it.

We’ll be going back and forth from the farm to our apartment throughout the summer as we work on fixing the parts that need it and getting it all ready for our first grand adventure in it 🙂

She’s a handyman special, but that makes it even more exciting to me, because the kids and I will be able to create our adventure space together 🙂

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Step One: Make A Plan

Last week I wrote how I had decided to finally follow my dream and chase the sun with my husband and kids.

Well to do that I needed to make a plan. I know I could have just leapt blindly, but as a mom and still a student myself I couldn’t just have us pack a bag and hope for the best!

Logically step one was to research trucks, and insurance:

After researching we choose this awesome truck:

Stay tuned for step 2: researching and purchasing a trailer!!!

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So I begin…again

When I was about 9 years old my grandfather wanted to go on a month long adventure touring down to Florida and back in an RV, and he invited my mother and us with him. He and my mom made all sorts of plans and my mom spent weeks researching various places to stay, planned routes and so on. Shortly before it was time for the 4 of us to go, he became too ill. He insisted my mother take my brother and I, and she asked a long-time friend of the family to come with us as my dad couldn’t take a month off of work (but did fly down to Florida where we spent a few wonderful days at Disney Land together).

My grandfather never got to go on his grand adventure, and as a child I missed him on our trip, but didn’t understand the way I do now how hard it must have been for him to dream, plan and then at the last moment not be able to finally experience his dream.

There were so many amazing memories for my brother and I during that month, and to this day I cherish the time we spent. Once I had my own child I decided I wanted to take them across the Americas and “chase the sun” for a year. Where we traveled based on the weather and simply went where it was warm for the year, slowly making our way out west to B.C and then down south as far as we desired only to go east and back up north to our home at the end.

Well dear readers as I last posted I am determined to live a life where I actively pursue my dreams. So while I won’t be heading out just yet as Covid-19 is still causing a pandemic (not to mention lots of researching, planning and most likely repairing to do first) I’m going to take this leap and chase the sun with my husband and children. I have read many different travelers blogs so I know such an experience isn’t always perfect, but nothing that is real is perfect. It won’t be perfect, but it WILL be amazing, because it’ll be my family and I actively living out a dream, together.

For such a large endeavour the first step for me is researching and planning. Hence my brand new research journal:

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NOT leaving on a jet plane

Awhile back I stated I wanted to take a figurative big leap, and I did, well I started too…I bought 5 plane tickets to Portugal, and then plane or bus tickets to 15 more countries for a trip spanning 4 months. I researched different places, museums, historical sites, UNESCO World Heritage sites, different travel sites innumerable “top 10 places/things to do” downloaded walking tour apps, street and local transit maps for each place we’d go to, and booked places for us to stay. I was SO excited!

Then Covid-19 struck the world 😦 As of writing this over 100,000 people have lost their lives to this pandemic…I can’t even begin to express my sorrow for the families of those who have passed from it.

Over the past two months our family has attempted to adjust and get through this time of uncertainty, fear and social distancing. It hasn’t always been easy or pretty. I chose an apartment because I didn’t want to pay more for a house with a big backyard when “the world was our backyard”. Instead we went and did all sorts of things, played at parks, used our local libraries, went on nature walks at conservations, and so on. But for many weeks now all of those options have been closed to all residents of our province (as they are in many countries worldwide).

Slowly the cancellation emails came from the airlines, only 2 flights have received refunds, the rest are credits for future travel. While there have been many messages back and forth for various Airbnb stays 3/4 of the reservations have been refunded to us, and I’m still attempting to receive the rest at least as credits.

So now what? Our grand adventure has been put on hold for an indefinite period of time, and we’re in an apt with no backyard of our own for the kids to run around in.

Well now a new adventure begins, because I can curl up and cry about our cancelled plans (okay I might have already done that a time or 2) or I can do something else. Stay tuned dear readers for my next wild plan!

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Mandala inspired sweater

So often I use my craftyness to create things for others. While I take a great deal of pleasure and pride in giving something I’ve made specifically for that person, I wanted something lovely made just for me.

I found a mandala style pillow cover that I used, and then went from there.

The pattern I started with for the back is from Pink Mambo: https://pinkmambo.com/dream-circle/

Then I made the front panels directly from the back, attached the sides of the back and front together, then the sleeves and finally the hood.

I went with a mix of the short bolero style and a wrap style for the front.

I did an elbow length sleeve as I normally camp a great deal in the summer, and a shorter sleeve means I can safely wear it while tending a fire or making hot chocolate on the Coleman stove we use. I’ll be making fingerless elbow gloves to wear with it when I’m not cooking 🙂

I used 5 balls of 3 different variegated yarns, all 3 are Red Heart Colorscape: Barcelona, Acapulco, and Mykonos.

It took me a week to make working off and on between my own schooling, helping the kids with theirs and regular household activities.

What is something you’ve made for yourself? I’d love to see it, please post a picture in the comments below!

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Herb and Garlic Bread

With 7 people in our home we go through at least one loaf a day, but we too are trying to limit trips to a store as many are most likely doing as well during this time; so our family has been making our own bread. This herb and garlic bread gets gobbled up super fast!!!

Ingredients:

7 cups of flour
2 1/4 teaspoon of quick rise yeast
2 1/4 cups of warm water
2 tablespoons of sugar
1 tablespoon of salt
3 tablespoons of olive oil
6 cloves of garlic (finely chopped)
2 tablespoons of Italian Spice blend

Instructions:

1) In a large mixing bowl add warm water, then sprinkle yeast and 1 tablespoon of sugar. Leave until the yeast has become frothy on top (about 10 minutes)
2) While yeast is activating chop 6 cloves of garlic, add to a small bowl with oil and Italian seasoning blend.
3) In a separate bowl mix 6 cups of flour, salt, and 1 tablespoon of sugar.
4) Add oil, garlic and spice blend to water and mix.
5) Add flour to water and mix.
6) Gradually add the last cup of flour until the dough is no longer sticky. (Depending on the humidity you might be closer to 1/2 cup not a whole cup)
7) Knead the dough until soft.
8) Place dough in a greased bowl and let rise for an hour.
9) Punch down, then separate into either fist sized balls on a greased baking sheet or 2 loaf pans and let rise once more.
10) Preheat oven to 350F and bake until golden brown (buns take approximately 20-30min, bread takes approximately 45-60min).

I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as our family does!

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